2 Broke Girls (Except, in this case, it’s 1 and that 1? It’s me.)

*yells to the vast nothingness* IS ANYBODY OUT THERE?

Wow, I almost forgot that this blog even exists. Even more, I forgot how therapeutic writing is. I have to say that in this day and age blogging should have never been replaced with vlogging (don’t worry, I know there are still plenty bloggers out there). There’s nothing quite like writing every single thought that comes to mind. *cue evil laugh.*

Okay enough random laughing at nothing and no one.

Let’s get to the nitty gritty of it.

If you’ve followed my blog posts (hey, I don’t blame you if you have no idea what I’m referring to), you would know that I was a college student. That’s right, PAST TENSE! You’re looking at a member of the class of 2018 right here!

Now after all that excitement dissipated–along with the mounds and mounds of graduation cake I was consuming the following 2 weeks–I was crunching numbers. You know as well that I do of the financial horrors that exist to walk across that stage to receive that one piece of paper. And man, that number never gets easier to look at.

I just came back from a backpacking trip in Asia (more on that later!), and my wallet has never felt so light.

Thankfully, I secured a job before I graduated, but I don’t start until a few more months. Now I’m left to figure out how to get from here to there.

If you’re a recent college grad as well, I just want to say that I 100% feel your pain. I was never good with money so these next few years are really going to test my willpower with these student loans payments and credit card payments.

While I’m on the never-ending job hunt for a temporary job, I have also found a cool video on a new budgeting system I’m trying out. It’s inspired by Dave Ramsey, and if anyone is interested, I can write a blog post about that cash envelope system as well as the budgeting system I’ll be using from here on out.

Until later,

Broke College Grad

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

Hopefully this is some leftover teen angst because I hate being angry and hopeless all the time. Seriously. I wake up, and I feel no purpose in my life.

I spend the day wondering what I could be doing better.

I don’t want to be around anyone anymore. I don’t trust anyone anymore. My emotions are always on the rise. Everyday is like an elastic band. Throughout the day, the elastic band stretches and stretches until someone says something… and I just snap.

Money may not equal happiness, but…

It comes pretty damn close, it seems like.

It’s crazy to think that we have to pay tens of thousands of dollars to become educated. And I mean the adult world “educated.” The educated that only means something if you’ve invested time and money into the institution.

It only makes matters worse that a bachelor’s degree is supposedly becoming as useless as a high school diploma. I found that mind-boggling the first time someone said that to me. You’re telling me that I’m paying for a degree that is becoming value-less?

Wow, tough times are a-comin’.

Week 11/52: We Need More Weeks Dedicated to the Equinox

What was once beautiful is now tainted by insight.

Being that this past week was spring break, I did two things that I don’t normally do over the course of the school year:

  1. Sleep. Now this one is a little obvious because every chance I get, be it a school night or not, i try to sleep or, at the very least, take a nap. But (I’m sure every college student knows what I’m saying) I slept for an ungodly amount of time–I kid you not, it had to be over 12 hours some days. And I felt no regret.
  2. Think. Being that I am an extrovert, there are deep, dark places in my mind that are only explored when I am alone. This past week happened to be one of those times. While I longed to be sipping a pina colada by the beach, I was lying in my bed just thinking about my life and what I could be doing.

Ever purchased something and, looking at your bank statement later, wondered why you even bought it in the first place? Don’t you ever wonder what that money could be going toward?

Well that was what I was doing, but it was worse: I was contemplating every big decision of my entire life. It felt like I was doing the opposite of adult-ing. I just questioned EVERYTHING. What was I doing? Why was I doing it? Who was I doing it for? I mean, I was really thinking about these questions… like I wasn’t sure who I was anymore.

I don’t know whether it was more scary to think that I am a whole new person or that I never knew who I was to begin with. Hmm.

Defeated

There are those days when you just feel like everything is going right in the world.

This is not one of those days.

In fact, it is exactly the opposite. Today was one of those days when you want to so badly be yourself–which for me is the talkative girl always smiling on campus. You see, today I felt defeated. Although I can be moody on a daily basis, fluctuating from extremely happy to upset in a couple of minutes, today I simply felt especially gloomy.

But the topic I am about to delve into is a pretty gloomy issue already: job hunting. Those two words can bring anyone to a painful standstill as they search tirelessly on career boards and newpaper ads for a posting that aligns with their qualifications and experience. As a business school student, job postings are common to find on our career board. However, over the thousands of students applying to that one job posting, who is to say that one student is not more qualified than you?

And that is exactly my problem. After applying day in and day out to many programs and internships, I feel that I have hit a sour patch. I woke up this morning to a “Thank you for applying, but we cannot interview you at this time” type of e-mail, and throughout the day I received two more, stating, in similar terms, that I will not be interviewed for the job. Yes, THREE were able to dampen my mood instantaneously. It’s not as if I have never received a rejection letter before, but damn if that didn’t take a toll on my day.

The real question is: how can I prevent myself from feeling discouraged?

 

 

What Happens Now?

Growth is a funny thing, isn’t it? And I’m not talking about it in the physical sense (although it’s not too funny when it comes to waist size growing), but rather the mentality that we have when we see ourselves progressively get better.

Something that always strikes me is when my thoughts drift to times when I feel that I am outgrowing people. As a college student, it’s so easy for that to happen. There are mainly two types of people in college from my perspective: the people who intend to make college about the party lifestyle and the people who are constantly worried about what comes after college.

Could you guess which category I would fall under?

If you guessed the latter, then I guess the five blog posts I’ve already posted has uptight written all over it.

Truth be told, I am terrified of what is happening. Constant questions that always surround me include “What can I do to make my resume better?” “What happens after this?” and the ever common question among college students across the nation:”Will I ever pay off my student loans?”

However, I don’t want to be stuck in the uncertainty stage later in my life, wondering if I did everything I wanted to before settling down. And sometimes that’s what my roommates are constantly telling me. Let loose. Don’t worry. Live a little.

I can’t help but think that I’m too old for this. Too worried about my future and too invested in myself to let loose. Now if you’re rolling your eyes at me, trust me, so am I. Because what possibly can a 19-year-old college student be so worried about? The constant pressure to party and then the overwhelming stress to get ahead for school is like an uncontrollable car crash happening right before my eyes. They don’t go together.

I think I’ve outgrown my peers, and I have to accept it. If they challenge my decision to focus on my future, then perhaps they aren’t the people I should be around anyway.

Nice and Dandy

I’ve grown out of many bad habits; I’ve learned to stop biting my nails, eat a little healthier, and, albeit unsuccessfully, quit checking social media every damned minute.

But one habit I can’t seem to get rid of is saying “yes” all the time. If there’s one thing I hate most, it is rejecting people. See, even the slightest no to a favor seems like a rejection in my eyes. So much so that I would rather ignore someone than say “no” to their face.

You see, I am not a confrontational person at all. Any and all types of confrontation give me anxiety. That is why I find it so hard to deny someone’s request (however menial or time-consuming it may be). And I constantly think that people will return the favor, but as sad as it always is, that is almost never the case. In fact, people are very quick to take advantage of this little weakness. Knowing that I have no backbone at all makes it all too easy for someone to scream their request at me.

And even though, my blood is boiling and my head is spinning, I paint a smile on my face and shout an enthusiastic “of course!” at their exasperating appeal.

Sometimes I feel like a machine, working and working and working, until someone forgets to change the battery too soon; then me, the machine can’t do the function it was meant to perform.

Having a heavy workload is much like working as the machine. I am covered in all these things I need to do, that I promised to do in such a short timeframe. I am knee deep in work, attempting to get everything done. Suddenly, I breakdown because a lot of the jobs I promised to take on are not one-woman jobs. But I work on. Because I promised. Because I don’t want to disappoint anyone.

I don’t know if anyone is like me, but if it means that someone’s work load is lighter, I’ll help out, meanwhile forgetting that my shoulders are feeling heavier and heavier with the responsibilities I promised to do.

That scares me, the fact that I can’t say no. Because when it’s time for serious favors, I’m afraid I won’t be able to deny someone’s plea.

What is the limit to being too nice?

Nice Guys Finish Last

Dear Nice Guy,

Let me tell you something: you’re too busy being nice to all the other goddamn girls that the one girl you may like would not even be able to tell if you like her or not!!

*hint hint*

Okay, nice guy, let me try to explain this to you: I can get the nicest compliment from you, and three minutes later I could eaily feel like crap. Now don’t read me the wrong way, I’m not caught up in my feelings for you (ha, that sounded convincing, right?), I am just feeling rather insulted. You ask me all these questions and make me feel like you might actually be interested in me, and then bam! Another girl starts talking about how special you made her feel.

woman  frustrated 2

So, nice guy, do you see my point? I know it’s not your fault that you genuinely care about people, but damn. Do you always have to make me feel so inferior to these other girls? At least give me a sign if you have any idea how I feel.

It’s my fault anyway. I let my feelings get the best of me. Of all the guys I had to like, it just had to be the sweetest, most genuine of them all, huh?

And for the record, nice guys never finish last in my book.

bear-love-transparent

(End Note: I’m such a freaking sap hopeless romantic i wanna barf)

Caution

How can you try so hard to be positive when everything and everyone around you is so negative?

I can say with complete confidence that on a typical day, you will find Happy Kristina. That being said, it takes a lot to get me to see a pessimistic’s state of mind. Not to be said that I don’t think about worst case scenario because, trust me, I think about that much more than I would like. But ultimately, I always have high hopes that everything will work out for the better.

I can imagine that you would think me to be a bubbly, quirky person, and many people who know me would probably agree. Me? I feel like a smile is the best way to greet someone. I genuinely like talking to people.

As I grew older, I began to realize that my peers around me didn’t seem to like how optimistic I was. Many people called me idealistic, and they called my bubbly personality fake. Suddenly, people were asking me why I was always laughing. And slowly, I wasn’t the same smiling girl I used to.

Man, people can really screw you over.

I wish I hadn’t allowed people to take a toll in my life.

Careful There

If I’m not busy, I feel as if I’m not doing enough. 

Seriously, the girl in the picture above is how I feel sometimes. I know that this is entirely my own fault because I often “bite more than I can chew.” But I can’t help that I love to be involved. On campus, the student orgs that catch my attention the most are the ones that fight for a cause that reasonate deep in my heart. So what did my eager freshman self do? I joined many clubs to become well versed in the language of leadership and organization.

It seems that I would be on the right track, and even to myself, this just seemed to make the most sense. Especially when I decided to take a position on E-Board, I noticed that I wanted the experience and the knowledge of this club. And suddenly, I was taking leadership positions in other clubs and joining other committees and working and going to school at the same time and then I realized YOU CAN’T DO IT ALL. 

No matter how much you care, your efforts will not be enough truly give your all to every single club/activity you do.

My number one rule while attending college is: I am a student first and foremost. I have to remember why I’m here in the first place. Yes, being involved on campus can be awesome especially when you make friends who share the same interests as you, but college is fricking expensive… so school and studies HAVE to be #1.

It just really sucks that I don’t have the time to be involved in everything I want to.

Oh, and friendly reminder: at 19 years old, if your life is in shambles like mine and you have no idea if your major is something you really want to do, take a deep breath and truly think about what you want out of life.

No matter what, remember that no establishment or person can define who you are.

Be free 🙂