Oh, To Be a College Student

this is entirely relevant

this is entirely relevant

So here I am sitting in my campus library trying to motivate myself to study for my exam that I will take in literally four hours. Motivation has really turned into procrastination as I truly just type to make it seem like I am actually doing something among the sea of students.

With my eyes trained on my computer screen, my fingers flying across the keyboad a mile a minute, and my workspace covered in piles of paperwork, I am almost like any other stressed college student, ripping my hair out as I seemingly try to meet a deadline. Truth be told, I’m just exhausted so let me watch my puppy videos in peace pls.

In reality, what they don’t know is that I am secretly peeing my pants about my exam, but I am also laughing because there are so many other things I could be learning (heh, I doubt it) right this minute.

Lesson learned, kiddies: don’t take summer classes unless you like to torture yourself as you scroll down your instagram feed and “like” pictures of all your other friends splashing at the beach and going on adventures around the world.

A Different Perspective

A lot has been weighing on my mind as of recently, and I’m not exactly sure how to go about it. Is college supposed to be about finding yourself? I mean I thought I did a great job on doing that in high school; looking back on it, I’m realizing how different a year truly makes.

1. Outgrowing friends. In high school, I found my clique. Attending an all-girls school, I was so relieved to have found a group of girls with the same mindset as me. We spent our four years together in a close-knit group, and I was so positive this would continue in college. Now a year has passed since high school graduation, and I can’t help but feel weary. An entire summer has passed, and I have yet to see a few friends in my group. Granted, we are a slightly bigger clique than most, but I can’t help but feel like I am distancing myself away from them. A year of college has truly felt like a lifetime, and I can’t believe how different everything seems to be. No longer am I the bubbly, naive girl with no care in the world for what other people thought of me. Rather, I have marched into the adult world: a world full of business suits and briefcases and internships. Surprisingly, I have realized that my confidence has diminished tenfold. I have no idea how that happened as most people would assume the opposite effect to take place. My theory is that being in a private school really limited my reality. I was sheltered and oblivious… not to say that everyone who goes to private school is like that. Being me, I most likely refused to see past what I already knew.

2. Miracles. My father got into a minor fender bender today. The damage wasn’t too bad, but it was enough for the bumper to shift from its usual position. My dad only suffered from minor back discomfort, but I can’t help but worry that it could have been so much worse. Yesterday, I was driving my dad’s car all day, and in retrospect, it is so odd that an accident was all I was thinking about as I was driving his car. I was imagining the scenarios if I were to end up in an accident. the thought of that truly scares me. I am truly in awe of how God works in our lives. All I know is that He was really thinking of me today.

3. Where is my empathy?

Tonight, I went out with one of my best friends from high school. We went to the drive through Checkers in my home city. For y’all who live in urban neighborhoods, you have probably experienced the a good extent of the poverty happening in your city right in front of you. That being said, it was not a surprise to see a woman there who was going from car to car, asking for money. My first instinct was to tell my friend to roll up her window as fast as she could, as if the woman was planning to grab my friend and hurt her. As the woman approached the car window, my friend promised the woman that we would give her change when we went up to the fast food window. Unbeknownst to the homeless woman, I paid with my card. No, I didn’t intentionally do this-I really didn’t have cash-but it was starting to make me feel more and more crappy about myself. As soon as we got our food, my friend pulled out of the drive through. We loudly heard the cashier yelling to us that I did not take my card back. I don’t know what possessed me to do it, but I ran out of the car and to the window. I grabbed my card, and seeing the homeless woman run toward me in my peripheral vision, I sprinted back to my friend’s car and shut the door with a sense of urgency.

Right now, I only have one image in my mind. I remember her face when I turned around to stare at her through the back window of the car. She was smiling, but her eyes told me she knew. She knew that I, like a lot of other people, had preconceived notions about her and people who were in a similar position. She knew that by running, I put myself in a weak mentality of acting┬álike I was superior to her. Acting as if she did not deserve my time. Acting as if she was crazy. And suddenly I felt ashamed. Heat passed through me because I was humiliated by my actions. I really acted as if she had a contagious disease, and suddenly I was wondering what happened to me?! How could I want to change the world and reduce the poverty in the streets when I was SCARED of those who were living the reality of it. And anyone can argue that it is impossible for me to give money to every single homeless person I see, but the truth is that I cannot stand for a cause if I do not push myself to make someone else’s life a little bit easier.

Really. I am going to attempt to give back. Just because I want to enter the business sector does not mean that I have to conform to the stereotype of a hard ass business woman who gives no care for the world around her. After all, if there is one this I want to prove to people, it is this: Hell yeah, I’m a woman, and I want to change the world. And I need to start with the way I talk and act in front of others who have nothing to offer me right this minute. Because God works in mysterious ways. No good deed goes unrewarded or unseen.

Reap What You Sow

Success is beautiful concept. We set up a goal to achieve, and we work toward the goal through hardships and limiting circumstances. When we reach our goal, we are an instant success. Success is difficult to measure; in fact, many say that it cannot be measured at all. Some people would say that success (are you tired of reading this word yet?) is determined by a six-figure salary or the number on a scale or the amount of friends one has on Facebook.

However, for me, I have no idea when I’ll ever be satisfied with my work or my effort to call myself successful. I have never called myself successful. Not when I graduated high school. Not when I got my first job. Not when I got accepted to all the colleges I had applied to.

Now hear me out: This post isn’t dedicated to all my achievements that weren’t given the proper recognition they deserved (although it’s really starting to sound like that, huh?), because I could literally care less about all the excessive crap. This is a post dedicated to myself about chilling the hell out. Seriously.

I’d say to myself, “you can do better” and “there are bigger fish to fry.”

Am I being hard on myself? Probably.

But I think the bigger problem for me is the way I see myself and the world around me. I think my desire to be better than my best has got me thinking everything is a competition, and my thinking has becomes askewed. Now I feel like all I do is talk about myself and complain about everything. I expect so much out of myself that I have become mentally and physically incapable of being a person people want to be around.

If it’s true that you “reap what you sow,” then why do I feel like the more effort I exert, the less I am actually getting out of it? Fellow college students, please let me know that I’m not the only one feeling this way. How do I truly be happy with all that I’ve accomplished when I feel like I’m not doing enough or I could be doing more?