Sick and tired of being sick and tired

Hopefully this is some leftover teen angst because I hate being angry and hopeless all the time. Seriously. I wake up, and I feel no purpose in my life.

I spend the day wondering what I could be doing better.

I don’t want to be around anyone anymore. I don’t trust anyone anymore. My emotions are always on the rise. Everyday is like an elastic band. Throughout the day, the elastic band stretches and stretches until someone says something… and I just snap.

Advertisements

Money may not equal happiness, but…

It comes pretty damn close, it seems like.

It’s crazy to think that we have to pay tens of thousands of dollars to become educated. And I mean the adult world “educated.” The educated that only means something if you’ve invested time and money into the institution.

It only makes matters worse that a bachelor’s degree is supposedly becoming as useless as a high school diploma. I found that mind-boggling the first time someone said that to me. You’re telling me that I’m paying for a degree that is becoming value-less?

Wow, tough times are a-comin’.

Week 11/52: We Need More Weeks Dedicated to the Equinox

What was once beautiful is now tainted by insight.

Being that this past week was spring break, I did two things that I don’t normally do over the course of the school year:

  1. Sleep. Now this one is a little obvious because every chance I get, be it a school night or not, i try to sleep or, at the very least, take a nap. But (I’m sure every college student knows what I’m saying) I slept for an ungodly amount of time–I kid you not, it had to be over 12 hours some days. And I felt no regret.
  2. Think. Being that I am an extrovert, there are deep, dark places in my mind that are only explored when I am alone. This past week happened to be one of those times. While I longed to be sipping a pina colada by the beach, I was lying in my bed just thinking about my life and what I could be doing.

Ever purchased something and, looking at your bank statement later, wondered why you even bought it in the first place? Don’t you ever wonder what that money could be going toward?

Well that was what I was doing, but it was worse: I was contemplating every big decision of my entire life. It felt like I was doing the opposite of adult-ing. I just questioned EVERYTHING. What was I doing? Why was I doing it? Who was I doing it for? I mean, I was really thinking about these questions… like I wasn’t sure who I was anymore.

I don’t know whether it was more scary to think that I am a whole new person or that I never knew who I was to begin with. Hmm.

Defeated

There are those days when you just feel like everything is going right in the world.

This is not one of those days.

In fact, it is exactly the opposite. Today was one of those days when you want to so badly be yourself–which for me is the talkative girl always smiling on campus. You see, today I felt defeated. Although I can be moody on a daily basis, fluctuating from extremely happy to upset in a couple of minutes, today I simply felt especially gloomy.

But the topic I am about to delve into is a pretty gloomy issue already: job hunting. Those two words can bring anyone to a painful standstill as they search tirelessly on career boards and newpaper ads for a posting that aligns with their qualifications and experience. As a business school student, job postings are common to find on our career board. However, over the thousands of students applying to that one job posting, who is to say that one student is not more qualified than you?

And that is exactly my problem. After applying day in and day out to many programs and internships, I feel that I have hit a sour patch. I woke up this morning to a “Thank you for applying, but we cannot interview you at this time” type of e-mail, and throughout the day I received two more, stating, in similar terms, that I will not be interviewed for the job. Yes, THREE were able to dampen my mood instantaneously. It’s not as if I have never received a rejection letter before, but damn if that didn’t take a toll on my day.

The real question is: how can I prevent myself from feeling discouraged?

 

 

Careful There

If I’m not busy, I feel as if I’m not doing enough. 

Seriously, the girl in the picture above is how I feel sometimes. I know that this is entirely my own fault because I often “bite more than I can chew.” But I can’t help that I love to be involved. On campus, the student orgs that catch my attention the most are the ones that fight for a cause that reasonate deep in my heart. So what did my eager freshman self do? I joined many clubs to become well versed in the language of leadership and organization.

It seems that I would be on the right track, and even to myself, this just seemed to make the most sense. Especially when I decided to take a position on E-Board, I noticed that I wanted the experience and the knowledge of this club. And suddenly, I was taking leadership positions in other clubs and joining other committees and working and going to school at the same time and then I realized YOU CAN’T DO IT ALL. 

No matter how much you care, your efforts will not be enough truly give your all to every single club/activity you do.

My number one rule while attending college is: I am a student first and foremost. I have to remember why I’m here in the first place. Yes, being involved on campus can be awesome especially when you make friends who share the same interests as you, but college is fricking expensive… so school and studies HAVE to be #1.

It just really sucks that I don’t have the time to be involved in everything I want to.

Oh, and friendly reminder: at 19 years old, if your life is in shambles like mine and you have no idea if your major is something you really want to do, take a deep breath and truly think about what you want out of life.

No matter what, remember that no establishment or person can define who you are.

Be free 🙂